I happened to be watching The Princess Bride when you sent this, so there was really no other way this could go. I hope you feel better!
Once upon a time, there was a boy.
Around the same time, there was another boy.
These two boys knew each other very well, and in fact, loved each other deeply, but refused to admit it. They lived to impress the other, lived for the other, but were determined to die before the other actually knew this. They hid their feelings behind bickering and insults, sneers and eyerolls, always threatening to leave, but never meaning it for a second.
The two boys were all each other had, living at the very edge of the kingdom of Beacon Hills, where there was little more than thieves and orphans like them scraping to get by. They could survive there, but they wouldn’t be able to live happily, not with the hand life had dealt them.
One boy realized that to be together in the future, they would have to part for the present. He’d heard tales from the thieves that roamed the forest, of men crossing the seas and returning with wealth and status, and knew what he had to do.
They said their goodbyes at the shore, parting without confessing their love, both too proud to be the first to give in and silently promising to say it when they were together again.
But the boy never returned to his love; his ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Hale. There were no survivors.
Five years later, there was to be a wedding. A royal wedding the likes of which had never been seen before, because the prince of Beacon Hills, Prince Jackson, was to marry a commoner—a boy from the outermost reaches of his kingdom. That very same boy who lost his love all those years ago.
The boy named Stiles.
Now this wedding wasn’t happening because the prince found this boy to be particularly beautiful or charming—even though he was, in a weird sort of way.
He’d chosen Stiles under the incorrect assumption that he was little more than a country bumpkin who could be easily manipulated in the complex world of the royal court, if not just shut up in a locked room for the rest of his life without protest.
The prince wasn’t thrilled to find just how wrong he’d been, and quickly came to hate his fierce and clever fiancé, who fought him at every opportunity, about everything from the dinner menu to international treaties.
As much as the prince hated Stiles, Stiles hated him even more, but the wedding had already been announced to the kingdom, Stiles publicly introduced, and to call it off would cause an uproar.
The people loved Stiles, the way he wasn’t really royalty, he was one of them—he didn’t have the grace or charm of the prince, he broke out of the castle on a regular basis, and he often wandered away in the middle of official processions and banquets to local shops, feigning ignorance when caught. He’d won the people over in all of a day.
Prince Jackson may have been a pompous dolt, but he knew a political advantage when he saw one, so the wedding was planned, the excitement overtaking the castle, and Stiles resigned himself to—
Derek paused and turned towards his very sick boyfriend lying next to him, cocooned in no less than four blankets. “Yes, Stiles?”
“I have a complaint.”
“Of course you do.”
“Why don’t I get the be the pirate?” Stiles sniffed wetly and cleared his throat with an unattractive hack, and then threw a used tissue behind him, in not quite the general vicinity of the trash. He blinked up at Derek with red rimmed and glassy wide eyes.
“I look better in black,” Derek answered flatly. He was also going to be the one picking up all of those used tissues scattered across the floor; it was only fair he get to be the pirate.
“You look better out of it.” Stiles’ lecherous eyebrow wag was sloppy and his eyes were half closed. It wasn’t very enticing.
“So the soon-to-be-prince Stiles,”
The soon-to-be-prince Stiles resigned himself to a lifetime of arguments, cold shoulders, and his only moments of true peace being his daily rides through the hills on his favorite horse, Roscoe. The horse was old and slow, but he was Stiles’ only true friend and ally in the castle, the only one he could confide in.
“Wow, you really know how to kick a guy when he’s down.”
Unfortunately for Stiles, also within the kingdom of Beacon Hills was the master swordswoman Allison Argent and her longtime partner Scott, the kindhearted but not so bright giant—
“I’m telling Scott.”
—whose loyalties could be bought for the right price.
And their loyalties had been bought to kidnap the prince’s fiancé.
They tore him from his horse’s back during one of these daily rides, stuffed a rag into his mouth to stop his constant arguing and unwanted comments, and forced him onto their boat moored on the shore closeby.
Stiles fought them, though he wasn’t overly worried. He and Prince Jackson hated each other, but he knew the people loved him, and the prince needed all the help he could get as far as public opinion went. If Stiles suddenly vanished days before their wedding, morale would drop, the people would lose faith in their prince’s ability to protect them—Jackson would pay whatever ransom they asked.
But Stiles’ confidence was misplaced, because this wasn’t just a kidnapping for ransom, this was a murder plot.
Allison and Scott hadn’t been hired to make money, they’d been hired to start a war. They were to sail Stiles to the shores of the enemy kingdom across the sea, Devonford, where they would kill their captive and leave his body to be found by the prince’s ships on patrol. The prince, devastated by his fiancé’s gruesome murder, would have no choice but to retaliate, with the full support of the people Stiles had charmed so thoroughly.
Little did the criminals know, they were being followed across the sea by the mythical ship Revenge, captained by none other than the Dread Pirate Hale.
They tried to outrun him, but his ship was legendary for being the fastest in the known world and he was catching up to them easily.
“Wait, how did he know I was on board?” Stiles interrupted again, frowning in feverish confusion. It wasn’t a bad fever, but Derek was keeping an eye on it all the same.
“What? He didn’t. He’s a pirate, he was going to rob them.”
“That’s one hell of a coincidence.”
“Fine, he did know. You never argue about this in the movie, just shut up and listen.”
So the Dread Pirate Hale was almost upon them, and the only way they could escape was to climb the Cliffs of Insanity, something that only the giant Scott could accomplish with his supposedly superior strength.
“Someone sounds bitter.”
“I’ll make you fall off the cliff, I’ll kill you off right here and run off with Allison.”
Stiles squirmed further down into his blankets and pouted. “Continue.”
They made it to the top of the cliff, where Allison hung back to fight off the pirate, but he proved too skilled for even her impressive swordwork to defeat. It was a quick battle, and in an act of mercy, he left her alive and hurried on ahead to catch up to Scott, who still had Stiles.
“I can’t believe you made Allison lose. She’ll actually kill you.”
The Dread Pirate Hale easily caught up to them, defeated Scott, and set Stiles free, but Stiles fought him. As far as he knew, he’d traded one captor for another, and now Prince Jackson would have no way of finding him. He was about to be killed by the same pirate who killed his true love five years before.
When fighting him didn’t work, Stiles tried a different tactic. First he offered the pirate money to let him go, as much as he could ever want, but the pirate laughed away his offer; he could steal anything he wanted. Stiles offered him land, but the pirate scoffed—he had no need for land, he lived at sea. Stiles offered—
“Derek, I wanna be a pirate.” Stiles croaked pitifully, rolling further into Derek’s side and what felt suspiciously like he was wiping his nose on Derek’s clean shirt.
“You’re going to be Humperdinck if you don’t stop interrupting.”
“Stop being mean to me, I’m dying!” His voice was getting more hoarse as the day went on, but only because he just wouldn’t stop talking.
“I’m telling you a story, you’re lucky you’re getting this much!” Derek shot back as he leaned over for the glass of water on the bedside table, passing it to Stiles and making sure he didn’t spill sipping from such an awkward angle.
“Well if you’d just get a DVD player—”
“You said you’d shut up if I got a TV, so I got a TV. So shut up.” He took the glass and put it back on the table.
“Just let me be a pirate and I’ll never bring it up again, I promise.”
That was a lie, Derek knew it was a lie and he wasn’t fooled for a second, but Stiles really did look pathetic.
“Fine, the pirate Stiles…”
The now-pirate but soon-to-be-Prince Stiles offered him power, but the Dread Pirate Hale just shook his head. He had all the power he could possibly need aboard the ship Rev—
“Wait, you can’t still be a pirate if I’m a pirate.”
“Because then they would be on the same side!” Stiles exclaimed, pushing himself up to sit with new found strength after a day of complaining he was too shaky to even go to the bathroom alone. Now he was giving Derek a look like he was incredibly stupid, which was rich coming from a guy with snot crust around his nose and tissue balled up in one nostril. “You have to be Buttercup now.”
“No, I’m the Dread Pirate Hale. You’re soon-to-be-prince Stiles.”
“Why can’t it be the Dread Pirate Stilinski and soon-to-be-prince Derek?”
“Because in this story, right now, that I’m telling, it’s Dread Pirate Hale, captain of the ship Revenge, and he’s coming to save your sorry ass from Jackson.”
“Then where am I a pirate, the Black Pearl?” Stiles sniffed and coughed wetly.
Derek whipped a tissue out of the box between them and handed it over. “If you really want to be, fine, just shut up and let me save you!”
“No, I’m already saved,” Stiles shot back as he took the tissue and held it to his nose, “so you can go back to your stupid ship Vengeance, I’ll go back to my ship, and then I’m going to go plunder Beacon Hills and take Jackson for everything he’s worth.”
“No you aren’t, that was my plan before you went and got kidnapped!”
“What, so you called dibs? That’s not how it works with piracy! First come, first serve, and my ship is the fastest ship in the caribbean, so good luck beating me there!”
“Fine, you know what? We’re both pirates, so…”
And so the Dread Pirate Hale and Captain Stilinski sacked and looted Beacon Hills together, their crews running wild through the streets, taking everything of value they came upon. Prince Jackson ran away from Stiles screaming in terror, Allison appeared out of nowhere and killed the prince’s right hand man, Peter, for killing her family, then Allison and Scott joined Stiles’ crew and they all sailed off into the sunset and lived happily ever after.
“And then Stiles and Derek made out a lot.”
“Go to sleep.”